www.somethingawful.com . . .

3D animation passed long ago into the Uncanny Valley, where models look a lot like people, but are terrifying because of the subtle differences. "Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator" is no different.

You just can't shake the feeling that you're watching dead things go through the motions of having sex with purple dog creatures.

An alien zoo has graphic sexual intercourse with a girl that looks like a dead body. Ever wonder what it would look like if a cockroach ejaculated on a corpse on the surface of Europa? Wonder no more.

Our story begins, as most do, with Zuma and her perpetually erect nipples sitting poolside in a bikini.

Zuma's first opponent is a hulking bipedal creature with three gigantic dicks on its chin, another dick where dicks are supposed to be and a tongue that's roughly four feet long. Zuma is initially caught flat-footed by Dick Chin's aggressiveness, but a series of wrestling-style reversals keep the match close.

Key to Victory: While being prodded by all three of Dick Chin's chin dicks, Zuma catches sight of her foes winking log portal. Without hesitation, she thrusts a fist up the old chute and grabs a handful of whatever organ passes for the creature's prostate. Dick Chin can hold back no longer and he fires off a torrent of alien love champagne. Zuma is quite pleased to be declared the winner.

It looks a lot like her life as a sexual gladiator, with numerous robots, purple faced hound dogs and crazy little tree dudes all demanding satisfaction. Other than the purple dogs, which get a bit too frisky for Zuma's liking, she obliges her new friends.

Other than the purple dogs, which get a bit too frisky for Zuma's liking, she obliges her new friends.

Zuma's master sends her right back to the arena, where she grapples with a fire bad looking motherfucker. He's technically human and he proves to be a perfect match for Zuma's capabilities. It's almost as if they were members of the same species! Zuma's internal monologue sounds especially terrible here, as if a retarded woman-child were talking about how she wanted to have sex with a horse or something.

Key to Victory: Zuma and Frankenstein achieve simultaneous orgasms, with Zuma snarling and snapping at the bubbly ejaculate like a swamp monster as she gamely sprays out some mysterious glandular secretion. The tie result does not go over well with the audience.

Challenger #6: Frankstein's Render 2: Render Harder

A rematch results in a stunning upset for Zuma. A bout of passionate polygonal lovemaking in which Zuma thinks she is on the same wavelength as her counterpart ends with her flopping around on the ground having a really scary orgasm. At her moment of climax, Frankenstein throws her off of his penis and stands in triumph while her spread vagina clenches visibly.

The Horror:


The 3D animation in this movie is actually pretty high quality for an amateur production, but that's not really a good thing. The intricate sex monsters are downright cuddly compared to the horrifying Poser models used for the humans. Zuma looks like a skeleton with a wig and breast implants, her human lover resembles a grimacing Frankenstein's Monster. I rarely find the opportunity to use the word "ghastly", but it certainly applies here.





The Bottom Line:


We all have our sexual idiosyncracies, no matter how mundane, so far be it for anyone to judge people who just want to see a big purple bug fuck a creepy undead girl with tentacles. I think the point where an interest like that crosses the line is when you spend a year with your live-in girlfriend creating a feature-length movie of creepy undead girls fucking bugs. Chris Marker managed to tell a story of the end of the world and a man seeing himself die in under 30 minutes and almost entirely without dialogue, so did they really need almost 90 for this? We get it, she fucks bugs. The Uncanny Valley animation and 3D models, as well as the inappropriate facial expressions, bring what might have been a porn oddity well into horror territory. The infinite realm of the imagination is perhaps something best kept as far away from 3D rendering software as possible.

DUDE !

More details at the links above...

The whole crap at:
www.pornotopia.com . . .

At a Glance: For those of you keeping track, the poorly-received "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid" was released in 1992. I am not sure whether it took the auteur behind "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" 14 years to devise a way to parody that movie's title or it took pussy exploding technology 14 years to make the parody relevant. Whatever the source of the delay, the important thing is that it's here at last. We finally have our Rick Moranis family movie parody based around exploding a vagina with a pump. Atlas, put down your burden.

Nation of Origin: 99.99% sure it's the United States, but I'm going to go ahead and blame Canada anyway.

Languages: As English as using a lorry's tyre pump to inflate a fanny.

Sexual Content: Remember that part in "Aliens" where Burke leans towards the jar with the facehugger in it and the alien sort of throws itself at the glass and moves it ovipositor around? Yeah, well, it's like that only the alien is leaking semen.





As you can clearly see from this graph, "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" is completely superfluous from a market standpoint. Unfortunately, Lowtax doesn't keep me around to analyze the business mistakes of the porn industry. He keeps me around so that he can torture me with writing reviews of things like "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy."

The film - nay, the legend - centers on five women who provide the titular pussy for a questionably certified doctor to "blow up." This is achieved by using a device that resembles a bicycle pump connected by a clear plastic hose to a transparent plastic cup. The doctor, in flagrant violation of his Hippocratic Oath, places the cup over the woman's vagina and uses the bicycle pump to create suction. This suction pulls, distends and over-engorges the woman's inner and outer vaginal structures. Pressure is applied with a finger just above the anus and with a flatulent rush of escaping air the freakishly bloated organ is released from the cup. A male accomplice then probes, licks and inserts his penis into the abused aperture which, by this point, resembles a mass of tiny balloons. The women, in obvious discomfort, endure the intercourse like true professionals.

That's the easy way to find out how this stuff works, but if I had to watch it in action the least you peasants can do is view this step-by-step illustrated primer on blowing up a pussy.




That's the easy way to find out how this stuff works, but if I had to watch it in action the least you peasants can do is view this step-by-step illustrated primer on blowing up a pussy.

Step 1


The doctor's first victim here is still smiling. The cup is firmly over Violet Blue's vagina and good old doc has just given it the first pump. It looks a little bit swollen, but most of that can be explained away as the downward pressure of the cup itself. Not too bad.

Step 2


Now we're seeing about an inch and a half to two inches of protrusion. That's pretty horrible and even Violet seems to have some second thoughts about the procedure. Doc ain't lettin' up.

Step 3


Here you can begin to see the inner parts of Violet's vagina actually coming out through her labia. Nearly three inches of protrusion there, not bad at all if you're a big fan of giant vaginas. I can guarantee you are not.

Step 4


The magnum opus of pussy exploding. Doc has managed to apply enough pressure to completely fill the explosion cup with Violet's vagina. At this point, a good "Plan B" for erotic stimulation would be leafing through some pro-life brochures. You see that picture of an aborted fetus next to a quarter? Now that's hot.

Most of the scenes in "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy" document a similar chain of events, but there are two notable exceptions. In scene two, the doctor not only inflates the woman's vagina prior to sexual intercourse, but he also inflates it immediately after her male sex partner has ejaculated inside her. This delightful idea produces a freshly-swollen vagina that dribbles semen and some sort of clear fluid that I can only assume is forcibly-drawn lymph.


PUMP UP your bedroom activities!
In the fourth scene, a darker skinned woman has the misfortune of displaying an oversized clitoris during the pussy blowing up procedure. Doc immediately replaces the pussy exploder cup with a test-tube like attachment that fits snuggly around her clitoris. This is then drawn, with effort, into an inch-long nub of tortured flesh that resembles a boil about to burst.



Fortunately, no surgical lances were on hand during the filming.

The film ends with a prompting to purchase the "Kick Ass Pussy Pump" that has wrought so much horror upon tender flesh and tender minds. It is no doubt soon to be banned by whatever government body is responsible for protecting the sanctity of womanhood. Hey, I just found a use for the Christian Coalition.

The Horror: Men standing by their wives and girlfriends during childbirth are told not to look down at their vagina as the baby emerges. If they do look, the image of a purple and bloody human head emerging from a vagina will be etched into their memory for the rest of their days. Every sexual encounter, ever tender moment, will be forever cast under the pall of that memory of a violet-hued ghoul passing through their wife's vagina. Did the doctors get it all? Are there more of them, biding their time and waiting for the right opportunity to either strike or issue forth in an unnumbered legion?

The image of a blown up pussy will haunt my sex life from this day forward. No livid munchkin or blood-drenched tot will inspire fear in a stalwart man such as myself, but the image of those vaginas, pulled and pressed against plastic, moving and pulsing like the feeding tube of some deep sea horror, will be with me forever.

The Bottom Line: If you watch this movie be sure to have sufficient rope on hand to hang yourself or a well-maintained pistol that can shoot out that part of your brain responsible for memory. I laugh at those of you foolhardy enough to click on the linked images. Join me. Join me in this hell.
www.somethingawful.com . . .

This WilyB nephew, or something?

Morgan,

Il serait peut-être temps que tu tires un coup.

Tiens,

Gabriel L'Irréel, qui nous

reviens d'outre-tombe...

Tu ne peux pas ignorer que l'équation isolement+ mangas+ rhum conduit directement au suicide.
Allons, allons... reprends toi !

Au contraire, même le Baron Samedi

a décrété que le rhum est l'elixir des Dieux...



Hypocrite!!!

N'as tu pas succombé à son effet maintes fois!!!



Continue dans cette louable pratique et voit

l'effet céleste qui en résultera!

OK, just when I thought FF couldn't get any wierder.

Anybody seen Morrowbie, lately?

What is all this about ? Is it the moovie with the dinosaurs fucking ?

We all have our sexual idiosyncracies

I remember I felt like a pervert the first time I fucked with the lights on...